So! I have some time on my hands and figured maybe I should just write it down, throw it up on a blog somewhere (think I still have a wordpress account) and send you all a link to it. Its also nice for me to have a personal record kept so I can look back later and see what I did (and to also to answer the question above when it comes up again lol).

This mission (losing the fat & keeping the muscle) started last Feb when I came back from a month in Thailand/Cambodia weighing in at 204 lbs (the most I have ever weighed). I was really not happy. I felt I was getting depressed being so out of shape. I am someone who has been working out for years now and was as strong as an ox but you would now never know I had ever lifted a weight by the look of me.

Feeling so strongly about it got me off my (fat) ass and onto the mission. I hit an emotional bottom in my opinion of my physical self. That got me going so really wanting to not be in such bad shape was the reason I started.

So, number I item I guess is: You really have to want to do this. Get psyched and get on a mission. Be serious and stick with it.

This is not the kind of thing that you should yoyo in doing. Its going to take you months to hit six pack abs as it is and yo-yoing is just going to prevent you from getting there. Only the committed get the right to take off their shirts on the beach and blow everyone else away! The rest are coudawouldashouldas. Don’t be one of them!

The main components:

1. Second thing I remember is going out and buying a George Foreman Fat Reducing Grill. Seriously!

What a lifesaver that thing is. As my wife is in Thailand and I have to cook for myself I must say that this grill is a saviour. Not only with creating tasty food and being super easy to clean, but it also helped remove a lot of unwanted fat from my diet. Even “Lean” beef has a significant amount of unwanted fat (you would be surprised if you could see how much fat comes out of lean burgers using the grill). It also helped to turn boring fibrous carbs (which I ate a lot of) into tasty carbs.

Notice that I say “unwanted” fat and not just fat in general. We all need some fat to survive it just needs to be good fat (that I can actually use for some good purpose) instead of bad fat (which sits and creates all kinds of nasty problems like cancer etc).

I didn’t fry any food. I grilled and baked in the oven is all. I often just ate sardines and crackers or canned oysters and raw veggies too.

This “diet/plan” is essentially a high fat, high protein and low carb diet. It doesn’t have a fancy name (that I know of) but is just a sane lifestyle kind of plan where I ate many small meals. I cut back on the carbs, eliminated bad fat, ate more protein and hit the weights.

2. Carbs:

Your body uses carbs for energy and rarely needs to go to use fat/protein for energy. If carbs are available they will always get used first. If you eat carbs and then go cycling you won’t burn a single iota of fat. You will only burn carbs and still look the same in the mirror no matter how long you cycled. It will take you forever to make any progress at all.

We DO need carbs for energy but the secret is in what carbs to eat and when to eat them. You can’t eat a carb rich meal at 8pm, sit on the couch for 3 hours and then go to bed. If you don’t use the carbs you put in there then they will all just go directly to fat. Eat your carbs early in the day and use them for energy so they won’t sit with you (as fat).

As for the types of carbs, it’s the same as with fat in the way that I still consumed them but only certain types at certain times of day. As for “type” I ate a lot of fibrous carbs (broccoli and cauliflower) and any other carbs were low on the GI (glycmic index). Once you learn that an insulin spike (from consuming simple carbs) forces fat into the fat cells then you will think twice about what kind of carbs you eat. There is a big difference between broccoli and white sugar.

Eat the majority of your carbs early in the day and reduce them (eventually eliminating them) as the day progresses is a rule to keep. I eat carbs post workout (morning), again 3 hours later and again at lunch. I might have some small amount of carbs around 3pm (again) but no later than that. For my next couple of meals I keep the meals only to protein and essential fats. My last meal of the day is protein only.

A high level example of my daily eating plan is:

1. A little bit of carbs with each meal up until 3pm. This includes ¼ pack of instant oatmeal before 45-60 mins before my 6am workout. Fruit and protein after my workout and carbs (fibrous) again at lunch.

2. Essential fats with 3 of the biggest meals up until 6pm. Two around 10am with a small meal, two more at lunchtime and two more around 3pm with a small meal.

3. Increased protein at every meal. Last meal (or two, depending) before bedtime is just protein (no carbs or fat). Protein powder will help you hit the protein levels in a lot of small meals.

4. Drink a lot of liquids throughout the day. Seriously consider alcohol as a diet killer. Too many calories, useless carbs and an increase in estrogen levels.

3. Fat:

I guess to continue with the numbering of events (above) I could say that the third thing I did was replace bad fat with good fat. Out went the junk fat and in came the good fat (fish oil Omega 3 capsules) to replace that. What a difference that “good fat for bad fat” switch made!

If you reduce all (or too much) fat from your diet your body will essentially go into (some type of) starvation prevention mode and will retain your fat and instead go to your muscles for energy (converting into carbs for use as energy) so we introduce fat that can help us lose fat by tricking the body into thinking that as long as there is plenty of fat then these are not lean times and there is no need to manually store fat. The body will then let the fat “go” (as there is no reason to keep it around as there is obviously enough present in our diets) or start using it for energy (as carbs are in short supply).

I ate 6 capsules of fish oil every single day. Two caps three times a day and not late in the evening. I try not to consume fish oil past 3pm. Fish oil is expensive so the best deal I found is online at nutraplanet.com You can buy 1000 capsules for 35 bucks approx (plus shipping). Eating too much fishoil can cause problems so don’t take more than 6 capsules a day (for fat loss).

In addition to helping fool the body into releasing fat I found that the fish oil really just cleaned me out really well too. Excuse my being graphic here but the fish oil essentially sent me to the can 2-3 times a day and no issues. I was passing large ones and didn’t even realize it as my system seemed to just be lubed for cleaning out or something.

Basically, it helped me shit a lot and I lost a lot of fat there too.

Fish oil is a miracle. I am convinced that it played a major role in me losing a lot of fat. There is a lot online about fish oil and fat loss. Check it out you will be amazed.

You can also get similar Essential Fatty Acids from some nuts (almonds and walnuts are best nuts for this) along with some oil type so if you would rather eat nuts you could do that but getting these EFAs are (pardon the pun) essential.

As with carbs though, only eat fats up to a certain time of day and then stop. What you are essentially doing is: Turning your body from a carb burning machine into a fat burning machine. You trick the body into using fat for energy instead of carbs for energy.

4. Protein:

The fat and carb comments above are mainly centered around the objective of burning fat. Protein deals with the issue of retaining your muscle. The whole point of what I was doing was burning the fat and feeding the muscle. There is a pdf of this name which I will send you. Please read it as it enforces the ideas that I used to achieve my goal.

As a bodybuilder, the “usual” rule is to take in 1.5 grams of protein for each pound of bodyweight you have. When on this diet (or “plan” as it should be called) you must increase the protein in order to keep your muscles from breaking down. Your own weight/goals/needs will dictate how much to take. I try to get mine from multiple sources but find it impossible to cook or buy all the protein I need. I buy protein powder at the shop. These protein shakes I take twice a day and it helps me to hit the 6-7 meal mark easily.

Other Major Contributors:

1. Water: drink as much water as you can handle. Initially it might result in added water weight but your body quickly learn to regulate it. What winds up happening is (like with fat) if there is a lot of water then it doesn’t “hold” it. If you can time your fat loss then you can reintroduce this trick at the end of your fatloss program into further water loss which will make a difference between 6-8pack.

Hey, it’s the small stuff like this that makes the difference between being “lean” and being “ripped”.

2. Sleep: make sure you get at least 7 hours of sleep or you won’t be able to recover from your weight training sessions and you will go into a catabolic state. Losing muscle mass is not part of this plan!!!

3. A note on cardio:

The cardio solution involves: do cardio for 45 mins (no longer) on an empty stomach first thing in the morning. There will be no carbs in your system at that time (used up while you were sleeping) and your body will go to fat for energy instead. The trick here is not to do too much cardio. Eventually, your body will go to your muscles for energy so limit yourself to 30 mins or 45 max. Also, only do cardio once or twice (max) a week. The vast majority (70-80%) of your fat loss will actually come from your diet and not in your training. The “cardio in the morning on an empty stomach” is the sort of tactic that will help you get to six pack (instead of plateauing at a 4pack).

BTW, the most effective fat burning exercise you can do is uphill interval sprinting. Any sprinting (uphill or not) will really help you in both burning fat and building muscle. Sprinters look like bodybuilders and runners/cyclists are skinny toothpicks with no muscle mass.

4. A note on metabolism: It’s a long story but you will need to increase your metabolic rate in order to burn significant amounts of fat. The best way of doing this is to split the 3-4 meals you currently are eating into 6-7 meals a day. First off, if you only eat a small amount of food in each meal your stomach will actually get smaller. This will help with your ripped appearance and also help you in getting fuller faster in the future. Once your stomach shrinks a bit you will look smaller and not need to eat so much in each sitting anymore. Also, the increased meal frequency will cause your stomach/system to go through the digestion process over and over and over again and this digestion exercise burns a lot of calories too. You will burn more calories on the 6-7 meal plan than on the 3 meal plan even if you consume the same daily total amount of food.

5. A note on training:

Yes, diet and exercise is the plain truth. If you just want to lose “weight” then just go starve yourself and you will lose “weight” (fat and muscle). As my goal involved keeping lean muscle I had to work out with weights and lift heavy (as if I was training to build muscle instead of just keeping it).

I don’t know what your goal is but mine certainly wasn’t just to be a smaller version of my previous (fat) self. I wanted to build muscle (which I had under all that fat), then lose fat while keeping the muscle I had worked so hard to build.

I have quite a training program and can send it to you if you are interested in a weight training muscle building plan. Just find what exercise interests you and do it. Weight training and sprinting are both muscle builders. Combine them to build muscle and burn fat more effectively.

Also, if you do weights and cardio on the same day make sure you do the weights first and then cardio (not in reverse order – ever).

6. A note on supplementation: Every good plan has its supplementation. I used the following:

Daily Multi Vitamin

Extra Vitamin C

Calcium with Vitamin D

Omega 3s (from fish oil capsules)

Protein Powder (twice a day)

Creatine Monohydrate Powder (shoppers drug mart or local nutrition store) one serving post workout

That’s all you really need. Even if you had a

Good multiv

Fishoil

Protein Powder

you could get by with those. The creatine comes in for strength but can cause you to retain water as it occurs. I don’t use creatine when going for fat loss. I use it only for when I am in a caloric surplus to gain muscle.

7. Estrogen

Its been researched that higher estrogen levels will result in an inability to lose fat. Pay attention to the foods you are eating as you could be raising your e levels without knowing it. Broccoli and cauliflower are known to help keep e levels at bay (and have the plus of being fibrous carbs as well!) so eat lots of broccoli. J

Also just google estrogen fat loss and I am sure you could find all the material to convince you that hormonal levels have a lot to do with it and you could be undermining your efforts if you don’t be conscious of that.

Find out the causes of estrogen level increase and make sure you stay away from those things (if you can).

8. Testosterone:

There is a lot known about testosterone and estrogen etc. Steriods are a good example of what people think of testosterone. Truth is that you have test already in your body and can either increase the level naturally or help free up and use the test that is already in your body. You can buy a lot of different natural test booster products and other anti estrogen products too.

Like Creatine Monohydrate, this stuff is totally legal and natural enough for you to buy it at shoppers drug mart or your local nutrition shop anywhere. Better deals can be found online though from my experience.

Creatine put 10 – 15 lbs of water/beef which helped with eventual muscle building but I didn’t need the water retention during my fat loss period. I was going for as much rippage as I could attain!

9. Calories

“They say” that (for fat loss) you should reduce your caloric intake by approx 500 calories per day and lose no more than 2-3 lbs per week (any more than that and you will tend to lose more muscle than you wanted to).

You can only “lose” fat when you reduce calories below the amount needed for “maintenance” and you can only “gain” muscle when you are in a caloric surplus. For the duration of this plan (ie when you have hit your fat loss goals) you are going to mainly be in a caloric reduced state. Eventually you will have to learn how to “cycle calories” as you would “cycle carbs” in order to get the 8 pack but that’s advanced dieting.

If you can count calories and want to go through that exercise then good luck to you. I didn’t go that route but found that I could keep an eye on the amount of protein (in grams) I was taking and just reduced the carbs that my body composition just changed and I wound up ripped pretty good.

10. End Result

I started out in Feb weighing 204 lbs. By end of Aug I weighed 172 and had a solid six pack. End of Sept and I was 169 and touched 8 pack for about half a day there lol. I had lost 35 lbs 7 months. It kind of scared me actually and I eventually got cycling back to my (current) lean muscle building program. Even though I was in solid 6pack land bordering heavily towards 8 pack that I felt I was too light and my biceps looked too thin for me too. Also, it seemed that now that I am “old” (lol) my skin didn’t shrink fast enough and caused me to show some wrinkles and that scared me a little too. I was just too lean there at 169…

Also, something else I did was take photos of my progress. I found that I got happier looking at the result in the mirror instead of the number on the scale. I look back now and can see how far I have come. Now that I am “in shape” I know that even if I find that I gain a bit of fat its only a small tweak in my behavior to fix it. Its not an emergency (lol) like it was last August. I hope to never again be so out of shape. I am much happier now and (contrary to my suspicions) I actually got stronger when I lost all the fat. Losing the fat just made me more “fit” I guess and my strength/agility all round attitude got better all the while.

I must say that it felt great being 43 this summer and for the first time in 20 years I could actually take my shirt off at the beach without feeling self conscious. I was tanned and ripped all summer long really. I felt like I was 30 again! lol

I have been in Thailand for 4 months this time around and a lot has happened. Christmas was spent diving and partying in Phuket. I dove the airplane and helicopter wrecks (decent dive) and also did some reef diving. It was on one of the party nights out when i started smoking again… I should know better to be drinking after only 3 months off the smokes but whatever. Excuses excuses i know! I will get off the smokes when i get back to Canada and back on my “diet” too.

We bought our home in January. It was either buy it or move out (we had been renting) so we bought it. As the cdn dollar was suffering at the time it was not the best time for me to buy but it was still a great deal. I am happy to have something to leave for my son in the off chance that anything nasty happens to me in the near future and for 50K cdn you can’t beat a new 4 bdrm home in a great neighborhood in the city.

For the next few months of my stay i basically just stayed home with the family. It was a good time just staying at home. Playing with the baby, working out on the weights, reading some novels, going to the village (on the weekends), visiting with some friends, going to the movie theatre, shopping in the markets etc etc.

We made a lot of changes to our yard in the last few months too. 5 palm trees and about a dozen other types of trees/plants/flowers now populate the front garden. Outside the fence we have a nice hedge which is growing like the weed (that i say it is!). In Thailand its cheap to hire a team of gardeners to come by once a month and mow the grass and trim the hedge etc. We usually pay $15 a month for the team to come by and do their thing.

We only had two snakes visit us (that i know of!) and i quickly got out the hoe and dealt with them both the hard painful way. Yes, they died for the cause (my peace of mind).

I recently went down to Pattaya for a couple of days diving. I met up with one of my American friends down there. It was good to see him again. It was also good to get in a couple of wreck dives on the Kram and the Kood. Poor viz on the reef dives but the wrecks are always good dives. Plenty of soft coral and lots of penetration diving. I keep telling myself that i will not do any more reef/coral diving in the Gulf Of Thailand but those dives are part of the package. Too bad i can’t just pay to do wreck dives alone… Oh well.

I have had my fill of Recreational Diving. Its now time to take it to the next level and take some Tech courses. I have contacted a shop in Phuket and am getting psyched about future diving. I will need to learn decompression procedures, start using some mixed gas (other than nitrox which i already am using) and get some more equipment. There are a lot of wrecks around thailand but as a recreation diver i am just not qualified to get down that deep to visit them. The tech courses will give me that ability.

Looking for a job (online) and the usual taking care of the baby (little Joseph was actually sick and spent a few days in the hospital with an infection in his throat) has kept me occupied lately. Also, i have spent a lot of time updating my resume and reestablishing contacts in preparation for the job hunt. It doesn’t take a lot to fill a day over here… Sometimes i can find an hour in the day to read a bit of my novel or heaven forbid i could find some time to take a nap!

Its been disturbing to hear about the “economic downturn” and all the various “crisis” from back home. Well, LOS is still LOS (thankfully). Nothing much ever changes here in our little city and even less in the village. Thank God for small blessings. Crisis? What crisis? As long as i can get a plate of Pad Thai for less than a buck i can’t recognize a crisis. For that matter as long as gas is less than a dollar a litre and i can feed the family for less than $10 a day there is no crisis that i can recognize (and yes i eat a lot of steak, ribs and chicken breasts). A pack of 4 skinless boneless chicken breasts can be had for a dollar (assuming 32 baht to the dollar). I guess something good came out of that bird flu thing (i remember hearing something about “bird flu” on the news but am not sure if it actually happened or not).

It was scorching hot for a couple of weeks but its a little cooler lately as there has been a lot of cloud cover and even a spot or two of rain (believe it or not yes it actually rained twice in March!!!). As things are just going to get hot hot and hotter for the next few months its probably going to be better to be back in Canada (yeah right) for the next few months (hey, i am trying to convince myself so work with me on this ok?). I am really hoping that there will be no more snow falling back home! The cold temps i can handle (might actually be a little refreshing – i lie to myself once again) but no snow thank you very much.

Those Bastards (Cathay Pacific) have been trying hard to change my date for return (for some reason or other) but when i said “ok, you can change my return date as long as you can put me in business class” they backtracked quickly and now i am returning on my original date (March 31st arrive in Toronto). Yes, i am still in economy…

If anyone knows of a place where i can hang my hat for 2 or 3 nights (when i get back home) while i either rebook my previous room or find another please let me know. Much appreciated it would be!

Well thats all for now. We are doing well. I am trying to get myself mentally ready to go back to Canada… I guess i should check my job search email results now (sigh). Will i ever really be ready i wonder?

I hope you are all doing well. Drop me a line and let me know if the snow has stopped falling wherever you are. Or just tell me the truth (that you are actually freezing!) to make me feel a little better hee hee.

Well’, yesterday I dove the HTMS Kram. It is closer to Pattaya than Ko Chang but that’s ok as the minibus ride was only 45 mins and a short boat ride out to the site.

The Kram was a troop/equipment transport carrier and (56 metres long) and was a very cool dive. The divemaster and I were the only two who have wreck diving certification so we were the only ones doing penetration of the wreck. There was some strong current (recent full moon) and I used up a lot of air just getting down the shot line. We entered a side door and went along the corridors which were quite cramped actually. My regulator hose got snagged and I couldn’t move forward but after some time I got it untangled again ok and had to scramble a bit to catch up to the divemaster. My hands were a little cut up as the wreck is old and we have to pull ourselves through some cramped spaces. This boat has been down for about 4 years now… There was a lot of silt and it got kicked up a few times and the light on my rental torch went out and I had to switch to my mini backup but that only added to the excitement. We went down into the holds and saw the washrooms and went up the conning tower too and were met there by a big grouper. Very cool. Bottom time was limited as it was a 28 meter dive so we made our way back after about 25 minutes to the shot line. At our 5 meter safety stop a cloud of jelly fish came up and we got stung a lot but nothing too serious. All in all a great dive and a great day. Next time I will have my own regulator with me and use Nitrox to expand my time.

The second dive was a reef dive which was not too exciting. Poor visibility and shallow depth too which plays havoc with my ears equalizing but its hard to complain about diving!

That’s all for now. I have a 2 hour bus ride back to Bangkok today and we will hopefully pick up my wife’s visa from the embassy tomorrow morning. I guess I will have to look for one of those job thingys sometime soon but its hard to think of that right now. The sun is shining, its 32 degrees today and I have my tunes and will be hopefully sleeping the bus ride away (yeah right).

Later!

Leo

Think about it for a minute. Your favourite software, free! Free is something i rarely come across but hey i have always had a soft spot for free (Leo you old softy).

Not only software but any kind of item you could just about imagine.

For instance, here in Thailand there is an absolute ton of free pirated software. It gave me great pleasure recently to be offered 6 programs for $3. One of those programs was from a software company that i had worked for some years back. They asked me to work Saturday after Saturday with the promise that it would come back to me in my bonus. I, of course, being the company man that i was believed every last word. Hey, those words came straight from the president himself!

My bonus that year came to be about 200 bucks. Boy was i ever mad.

It was at that point that i decided to buck the trend and become a lover of pirated software. How i giggled like a mad monkey whenever i discovered our software online (for free) and made a point of laughing in the face of the so called “security” that all my I.T. friends so often talked about. Security security yeah yeah. Sell me some security why don’tcha?

That software costs thousands of dollars and i just bought it for little or nothing. Now thats justice!

Not that i plan on actually using their software! You see, in my own twisted way i decided to a) buy the pirated version and then b) not install it.

That’ll teach em! Am i mad? Maybe so but hey their cd makes a great coaster and at 3 bucks its one hell of a coaster. Now i get great satisfaction in looking at my $3 coaster and laughing (hey no not out loud).

When napster first came out i was in my glory. I would wake up and search for my favourite artists online. Then cue up a gazillion tunes and off to work i would go. When i came home there were hundreds and hundreds of my favourite tunes downloaded onto my machine. Life surely couldn’t get any better than this.

As a music lover i always dreaded the heavy price that i had to pay in order to get my tunes. It always seemed that i was into some crazy artist that only released in japan or england and had to pay astronomical prices to purchase this same cd in Canada as an “import”. Ooohhh. An import.

A cd is a cd is a cd and surely it doesn’t cost so much to send the cds to Canada! Why did they always charge me an arm and a leg? The greedy bastards! I will show them.

So back to my napster software i would go and with a grin that a mad scientist would envy i cued up hundreds more. Justice at its height!

The other day i stood outside of a movie theatre here in Thailand wondering which movie i would go see. Then, like a long lost friend, a guy selling the same movie asked me if i wanted to buy it.

I bought 5 for 5 bucks.

Now that i am living in Thailand i have most definately arrived at the source of all this pirated joy. Music and software and handbags (for the wife) and polo shirts and rolex watches etc etc. Sure, “they” have said that they would be cracking down on this sort of thing but its only lip service to the west. This makes me smile even more than i did in my napster days. Now its corporate america that is being lied to and not me and i have stopped working Saturdays for free! Catch me if you can. Wanna buy a rolex?

I remember one day in the office elevator where one of “the suits” looked at my Omega Seamaster watch. Without saying anything, he rolled up his sleeve to show his Omega Seamaster and gave me the thumbs up. He then proudly announced that he bought his “in the states” (Ooohhh… gasps and oohs and awe all round). I lifted my head up and threw my shoulders back and in a wicked way said that i bought mine on the street in Thailand for $30. I had a smile on my face that said “what kind of slave idiot pays 6 grand for a watch” . He looked closely at my Omega (not being able to tell the difference because really, there isn’t any) and then got off the elevator. I guess we weren’t meant to be friends after all.

Anyways, leaving out the reasons above; i guess the main reason i am a fan of pirated software is because i was a member on so many money wasting software development projects in the past. So much time and money wasted by these corporations because it was just easier to waste the money instead of really work with the customer to determine what their actual need really was (and then to develop that). This is what burns me the most! Versions 1, 2 and 3 and updates on the updates on the updates only to find out later that the customer never did really use the software in the first place! The whole thing is often just one big R&D ripoff where organizations get to waste money and then not pay any tax on it calling it “R&D” (Research & Development). Yes, the taxpayer gets to suffer for the lack of planning by the organization. Add that to working on Saturday for free and you now have two reasons to buy pirated software!

There is still a few other things i would like to do to some of these organizations…

1) Public Humiliation

2) Report them to the standards organization (of which many actually claim to be members) and have their certification stripped

3) Physical Abuse (hey come on you are with me right?)

4) Five Minutes Alone (you will remain unnamed)

Anyway, i have ranted enough for now i figure. Please comment.

Leo

How’s it going in slaveryland? I hope you are all working hard and it hasn’t gotten too cold yet.

Its now the beginning of the cool season here in Thailand. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and its 24 or 25 degrees. Yikes! The afternoons are hot but not uncomfortably hot 30 – 32 with some cloud and sun. No complaints.

In my emails you might sometimes get the impression that life is a bed of roses here in the Land of Smiles but not always so.

Like I said in a previous email now that I am living in the city I see more snakes than ever before well its true. I was relieved that I have not seen a snake in a week but I saw one today. It was just a little garden snake though and wouldn’t do anyone any harm. There are crazy looking bugs that I never did see in the village (jumping spiders and caterpillars) but they mean no harm also.

The electricity went out twice in the last 6 weeks and they turned the water off on me one day too. I say “they” because “they” are building some new homes in our complex area here and do these things sometimes without notice. When I go to ask “what happened to the water” they just say “we turned it off. mai pen rai. Never mind”. It seems that they all knew it was going to happen but just don’t inform anyone. The answer to everything is of course “mai pen rai” which means “never mind, that’s ok”. Of course…

I went to the doctor recently (to get a physical to apply for a drivers license) and he checked my blood pressure (that’s all he did) and said that
my blood pressure was really high so I got to thinking… What in this land of smiles could ever possibly be hiking my blood pressure? Well, I gave it some thought.

Here are my answers…

1) I decided to take some driving lessons. I took 20 hours for 4000 baht ($112 cdn). All went well. The guy was Thai and couldn’t speak a word of English and couldn’t understand much of my Thai either. We got on great. Of course I did everything perfectly (not learning a thing) as the Thaïs will never criticize you as I am a falang (a foreigner) and of course I am rich
and white and know everything already. 20 hours of banging around on the highways and city doing 80 – 100 klicks it was a lot of fun on the other side of the road. The shock came to me when they asked me why I would bother getting a license why not just buy a car and drive it around? They couldn’t be serious (I thought) but yes they were. It seems that 80% of the drivers have no license or just bought one from a corrupt transport official for 50 bucks or so. But not me! I wanted to do it all legally etc.

3) Then I went for my drivers license. I called them and they just said to “come in” so I did just that. No appointment no nothing. They sat me down in a classroom with about 50 other people and we watched a video
for 2 hours or so (which I didn’t understand as it was all in Thai). It was a crazy video which showed you what to do when your car ran out of gas etc (go get some at the gas station of course) and don’t forget to check the
tires for air sometimes too. Oh yeah, they also showed that a lot of cars were on the road in Thailand and that you should be careful. No kidding. I then realized that this was not a joke and that most people in the class
didn’t know what to do if your tire got a flat (by all the “ohhhs” that I heard in the class). I later found out (for real) that if you get a flat in Thailand (or have any issue at all) you just call the insurance people and they actually send someone out to change your spare for you etc. I am bloody serious here folks… This is all true. I later go to thinking (in a polly anna kind of way) that “isn’t it nice that they show this video to all these idiots so they know what to do” otherwise most of them would just be stranded on the highway. With all the cars in this country I never ever did see anyone with a jack or putting on a spare so I know its true that they just call the insurance and they send out a mechanic.

Anyway, after the video a Thai “big boss” instructor type guy got up and paraded around the room and spoke for two hours about each individual sign that would be included on the test. I didn’t understand 90% of what he was saying but he basically just told everyone which signs would be on the test and to remember this one. He spoke for 1.5 painful hours… no shit. I later go to thinking (polly anna deluxe here) that “isn’t it nice that they tell everyone what is on the test exactly so then we can all get our license”? It was really nice of them to hold everyone’s hand for them through the test. Customer service at its best of course.

Next, I took a vision test and a reaction test. No probs passing the test even though I had trouble telling the difference between the shade of yellow and green that they were using. Mai pen rai. Wow! The falang can speak some Thai isn’t that great? Ok falang go back to your seat now. Color blind? No problem. Mai pen rai. Pass. Next!

The green and yellow colors they used were not the same as those on the traffic lights mai pen rai. What does peripheral vision have to do with driving anyways? Mai pen rai. Every traffic light in the country has different shades of red, yellow and green lights anyways. Good luck with that.

Ok, lets go for the written test! I went into a classroom with these other kids and took the test.

Basically you had to get 23 answers correct out of 30. All multiple choice and some questions were posed 3 times (no kidding). Ok, so the results came back and I got 27 out of 30 (having never read a driving book in my life or not being able to read a Thai sign).

95% of the questions were not about driving at all but were only about the signs (ok thats related to driving but whatever). Only one question was not about a sign it was about proper parking.

When viewing my results I noticed that the questions I got wrong was the same question (which was posed 3 times during the test). It was a regulatory sign which was a speed limit type of sign with the number 30 in the middle of a circle. The sign means “maximum speed limit of 30 kilometers per hour”. I know I got the answer correct so I asked the lady to watch me as I offered to do the test again (what balls he has!). Sure enough, I answered the question correctly (it appeared twice this time) but when the results came back it said that I had chosen the wrong answer. They all agreed that yes, there are some errors with the computer test. Oh well. mai pen rai again.

Makes me wonder how many people are choosing the wrong answer but are getting passing grades!!! Yikes!

4) Ok. So after some embarrassing Thai smiles and plenty of mai pen rais thrown in (re the erroneous driving test answer results) it was time to take the actual driving test. I was a little nervous as a) the test back home is quite strict and b) I have never read a driving book or driven a car back in slaveryland (always took the subway) and c) the Thais have a habit of charging foreigners more or failing them just so we can pay a second time (or whatever) while the blind 90 year old Thai person basically just gets the license handed to them. Ok, maybe they pay a little…

Ok falang! You’re up! I said (in my best Thai) ok what do you want me to do first? The guy said “just drive around over there”. So I did. He didn’t watch me… Ok. mai pen rai. Surely he will want to come for a spin on the highway and ask me for some money or to make sure I can actually do a u turn right? so again I said “what’s next?”. He said (no joke) drive in a straight line between the pylons and come back straight”. So I did. Next? Back into this parking space so I did that too. Then go further straight and come all the way back straight without hitting any pylons. So I did.

Next we just all kind of sat around looking at each other for a few minutes. I thought they were going to ask me for $10 of something… So I said “parallel parking now? The guy just looked at me and said “second floor, booth #1″. So off I went not knowing if I had passed or failed. They asked me for $3 and gave me my laminated drivers licence. That was all there was too it. Its good for a year and then I come back and pay $3 again and have it for 5 years. In 5 years I pay yet another $3 and then have it forever with no need or renewal.

A lot of other people who knocked down pylons and couldn’t do anything correctly all got their drivers license too of course. They were all very happy. I was shocked. I was thinking in a state of horror that I would soon be driving on the very same roads with these very people.

5) I bought a car. A new Toyota Vios. Its a beautiful mid sized family car which runs so smooth and is easy on gas etc. Its a beautiful car. I looked at
other Toyotas and Hondas etc but we came back to the vios and bought it in cash. Gave me insurance for a year and didn’t ask to see a drivers license. Painless.

I figured there has got to be some pain coming my way soon…

Now I am driving around in a country where nobody knows how to drive.
This is what is sending up my blood pressure. So, off I go. Driving around town. Trucks making left turns without signal lights. People driving all over the road cutting each other off. Motorcycles coming and going in all directions. Everyone doing 90 in the city etc.

Its all quite fun when you are a Buddhist and have another chance to come back reincarnated and do it over and over again but I am a Christian and when I die… I am dead! So all these drivers are freaking me out and sending up my blood pressure.

So what’s a falang to do? I thought and thought and thought…. Finally I had the answer. Of course the answer is “mai pen rai”. What else could it be? Of course never mind. Its all right. Now everywhere I go I drive slowly to let all the idiots go ahead of me and I take up two parking spaces everywhere I go. I figure why do I get upset that people cannot park and park too close to me etc? Now I just take up two parking spaces everywhere and just say mai pen rai. Never mind. I know its driving them all nuts and that’s just fine with me never mind.

Nobody in this country can parallel park. Its hilarious watching them go round and round in the parking lot waiting for someone to pull out so they can just pull straight in. Its a real blast and before it used to bug me but now I only laugh.

My blood pressure has gone back down again.

The moral of the story here is that you cannot fight against a country of 60 million idiots. You just have to pretend you don’t notice and smile a lot and say mai pen rai to everything. I stupidly thought it would all smarten up when we got to the driving thing but no it just got worse. And I can either handle it or I can’t I guess.

In other news…

The lady who is renting us the house said instead of renting the house for $7000 baht a month we should just buy it and give her 8000 per month and she doesn’t mind. I figure if she is willing to lend us the money for nothing then ok (she is the developer and doesn’t care as long as someone buys it). Whatever. A new 4 bedroom bungalow in the city for 39 grand is a steal if I ever saw one so we are buying it. All nice and legal with the lawyers papers and lawyer etc.

My wife and baby are doing fine. My son is getting cuter and cuter everyday I am just beside myself he is so perfect. I think I will give myself a heart attack just looking at him he is so cute!!!!!!!

I am going diving next weekend before the tourist season kicks in so I will

Now that I have a drivers license I can buy any kind of gun I want to but I have decided against it as I am absolutely sure that I will kill some driver and spend the next 20 years in jail so I am not buying one.

Well… maybe a shotgun to keep in my home but not a handgun for the car. I will send you the photos.

Bye for now,
Leo in freedomland

Just thought I would send you all a quick update as to what I have been up to lately.

Work

Well, work is work and I am very busy with the new team and that’s all going fine so no real news to report there. I work most of the time so just to let you all know that I am not exactly on a beach here with my computer (unfortunately ). I am at home and do get to see my new baby boy a lot and spend some quality time with my wife too so that’s all good. Sure beats the hell out of winter though (just thought I would get that dig in early ). The company I am working for will want me to go to India soon and I would like to go but am scared that there might be bombings before the Christmas season or something… We shall see if I can get it put off until January.

Family

Joseph is now 2 months old and is getting cuter every day. He is more active now and is making lots of different sounds and smiles at me. His vision is coming around and I think I am more than a big moving shadow to him now than I was before. Of course he hears my voice and can see people moving around and all that good stuff. He drinks a lot of mothers milk and is gaining over a kilo of weight every month which the doctor says is terrific progress. Whenever we go out everyone is just clamouring over themselves to snatch a peek at the little guy. Hey I am thankful as I am now not the only white guy that has something of a bridge on his nose to look at around here We call him our little superstar because it’s just like a superstar showed up when he arrives (with all the Thai’s around gaping at him). It’s so funny that now that he is here I can’t imagine life without him. I was just thinking yesterday that no matter what stresses I face in life I just know that there are people who bring me a lot of joy.

My wife is doing well. She is tired though as she is feeding the baby at night etc and there is a lot of “number 2″ to be cleaning etc. The baby is at the point where he wants to not just be picked up but picked up and walked around so there is a lot of that going on. I am (by the way) doing my part with the baby too. It’s important not only to help My wife out but to also make the relationship with the baby. It makes me feel good to pick him up and walk him around when he cries for it (especially when he stops crying). I take My wife to see her family in the village on the weekends and they also sometimes come to see us. Family is everything in Thailand.

Our other son (from My wifes first marriage) goes to a Catholic School here in the city and is doing well. He likes it because they have sports and he is a real football (soccer) fan. When he is not in school or playing football he plays video games. As he is doing so well in school I take him to the cinema on the weekends. He really likes going there and we usually watch a cartoon movie every weekend.

Exercise

I am still working out each day. It’s the first thing I do in the morning after my coffee and cigarette round . My tummy is going down and I am gaining weight so I guess that’s all good too. I bought some new weights recently so I can now push myself even further.

Hey, give me a break there is not much happening around here ok?

The Latest

So! Whets the latest? Well….

I was moving the couch and it hit my foot and my toenail got ripped right back (on my left big toe). A bit of blood and even more cursing and pain. A three visit (daily cleaning) plus week of meds (antibiotics) from the private hospital emergency room for $25 and I was back in action in no time. There is a major accident just waiting to happen around every corner in Thailand every second of the day.

It’s a good thing they all are Buddhists and believe in reincarnation.
If they were Catholic (like me) they would all be freaking!!! Us Catholics, you see, only get one shot here before facing judgment. The Buddhists get to keep coming back to retry it over and over again I think that’s why they have no fear of death and can drive motorbikes doing 90 kph in and out of traffic…. anyway…

A few weeks ago I flew down to Bangkok to go to the Thai Immigration dept to get my visa extended. They said for me to come back on the date my visa expires (Dec 2nd) and apply for it then. As I only have a double re-entry visa I can only come back into the country one more time for a 3 month period until I “fix” the visa for an indefinite extension.

So it was that time again for me to go back to the Immigration Office in Bangkok to get the extension. I planned on flying down with my documents, passport photos and the fee etc and get the thing done in one day. I booked the day off from work and planned to go down first thing Monday morning (Dec 3rd).

My wife had the idea that we drive down. Normally this would be fine (in any other country where people don’t believe in immediate reincarnation) but as everyone knows driving in Bangkok is something to be avoided at all costs unless you are driving a cement truck! As I just got my Thai drivers license and have a baby & wife in the car etc I thought it was a bad idea and (I must say) I put up a fair bit of resistance to the idea but eventually lost out. Saturday night we left for Bangkok.

It just so happens that Dec 2nd was a Sunday and they weren’t open! As I was showing up on the third I figured they might kick me out or make me pay a hefty fine or something. Thais are famous for swindling cash out of foreigners and come up with the most insane reasons for paying extra Having a Thai wife usually gets me off the hook with this stuff though.

The trip down was really tough! First off, the drivers in Thailand are the most terrible drivers I have ever seen (see previous email for the hot headed rant). No signal lights used, lights on older large transport/oil trucks not working, everyone is doing 120+ kilos per hour, lights on high beams in both directions, traffic lights being ignored, center lines and lanes ignored etc etc. Not to mention that this was night time driving! My knuckles were white most of the time and I was angry at everyone on the road (road rage at its height). This is why my blood pressure has been high lately

The road itself was another nightmare. No signs to warn of hairpin turns or construction. Lanes narrowing without warning. Traffic lights that either didn’t work or were up really high as to not be able to see them (up with the lights on the poles) etc. Something else I have realized (which Thais won’t admit) is that there are different shades of red being used to indicate a stop signal! Impossible to believe but they don’t call this “Amazing Thailand” for nothing (and no I am not blind. maybe a little deaf but not blind)! Also, for 99% of the trip down there are no lights on the poles so it’s like driving on a three lane country road where you are surrounded by blackness and can’t see 40 feet ahead of you unless you put on the high beams. It’s so crazy. There would be some lights and then a hairpin turn with no lights and then some lights again. I guess the tester in me just came out and I saw every single thing that was wrong and boy there was a lot to improve upon in this “developing” country.

I figured it best to just go slowly and stay in the left hand lane [Here in Thailand the left most lane is the "slow" (speed limit) lane and the other lanes are "open" for speed limits] but it was a bad idea as it was filled with huge trucks that were only going 60 kph and didn’t have any working tail lights (half of the time). As 80 is the speed limit in the left lane I was not having any luck and had a couple of near misses. You can’t believe the language that often came out of me as I attempted to pass oil trucks only to have them pull out into my lane (without warning or signalling) while I was almost on top of them!

Or I would be doing 80 kph and then notice the back of a transport truck only a dozen metres in front of me (doing 60 or less) with no lights on. So I stayed in the right most lane most of the time and delt with the high speed insanity.

Thank God for ABS brakes is all I can say.

In Canada, people die of cancer. In Thailand, people die from road accidents. Now I know why.

For the sake of my sanity we stopped at midnight in a small town and stayed in a hotel where I didn’t sleep very well It was a relief to get off that highway and I think I just needed the time for my heart rate (and anger level) to settle down.

The next morning we stopped at a little hospital to change the bandage on my foot and then we went off on a little temple seeing trip to Ayutthaya (sp?) as it is a famous historical park in Thailand. We saw quite a few ancient temples and Buddha images etc and enjoyed a nice meal in an expensive restaurant ($15 for 2 adults and 1 kid wow!). After the little culture trip we got on the road to Bangkok again. Even in the daytime the driving was a nightmare

Made it down to Bangkok by the skin of my family’s teeth… Then I found out first hand that driving in Bkk city is even more insane than on the highways! Motorbikes cutting in and out of traffic without warning. Changing speeds a few feet from my front bumper. Cars swerving left and right to avoid motorbikes coming partially into my lane to avoid them and forcing me to the left (into another lane) to avoid them all while doing 90 kph in the city. Lack of road signs and warning signs etc made it all the more difficult as I was trying to navigate my way into the city without knowing the city very well. In Bangkok (or anywhere in Thailand for that matter) all the buildings are the same color and have iron grills in front with noodle stands outside so a lot of it looks the same to me even if it isn’t.

After finding our usual hotel we went to My wifes brothers place for a visit. They are as poor as church mice but they are really nice people and don’t ask me for money constantly like a lot of other people. Of course I paid for some dinner and whisky for her brother and gave the kids all 20 baht each (66 cents approx) and they were all really excited about that (In Thailand you can actually buy something for 66 cents). Went to a car wash and got the inside and outside cleaned for less than $7 cdn (anyone know how much it is in Canada? I don’t know but would like to know). We hung out there for a few hours and then went back to the hotel to the comfort of aircon and an hbo movie and slept soundly.

The next morning we went off to find the immigration dept (yeah hurrah). Finally we got there and of course nothing is the way it is supposed to be (i.e. the way they said on the immigration website ). The instructions on the web were actually not the real instructions/forms to follow. My waiting number was 983 and I sat there for 4 hours until the lady saw me walking around with a crying baby and took pity on me and put me in the front of the line (thank God for cute crying kids ) so we managed to get out of there in 5 hours. They could only extend my visa for 2 more months as they wanted pictures of our home and furniture etc (don’t ask me why as I don’t get it either) which I have to bring back next time. If my wife was not with me they said that I couldn’t get the extension (recent change in the rules surprise surprise) so it’s a good thing that we made it a family trip or else I would have been sitting there with an expired visa and no chance of renewal. Next time they said they would give me the one year extension but I figure that the rules will change umpteen times again before then and no doubt I will need to give a stool sample along with a litre of blood also .

So! After that was over we left for home and got lost on the way back and would up on another highway somehow and it took us 6 hours to get home instead of 4 hours (usual traffic nightmare also) but we finally made it here and I am thankful to be alive and 2 more months on my visa etc. I think next time we will leave the kids with the family in the village and fly down. I don’t feel like putting my families life at serious risk just to get my visa extended.

That’s all from Thailand. Write me back and cheer me up with a story of how you couldn’t get the car started because of the cold or something ok?

Bye for now,
Leo

This post is another email from April 2008. Enjoy

Hows it going? I hope you are all well. I am doing fine here in LOS.

So whats been happening? A few things… Lets see if i can remember the last few weeks.

Joseph got a fever and was crying really hard so we took him to the hospital. They kept him in overnight and gave him a couple of needles etc (which made him cry even harder) but the next morning he was ok and we took him home. I have attached a couple of pics of him in the hospital. The kid was a real trooper through the whole thing. He was back to his laughing/smiling self in no time at all.

The Thai New Year (Songkran) came and went in the usual mad fashion. It is also known as the Water Festival and as April is the hottest time of year it provided much relief to the Thai people. You would have to see it to believe it… Its  basically a water war with teams of friends in the back of pickup trucks throwing water at passersby. The entire country was soaked but i managed to avoid the soaking this year (thankfully).
My wife’s family all went back to the village and we went to visit. I got really drunk on Saturday and started smoking again… Now that its all over i can get back on track with not smoking.

There were a few big outdoor markets with lots of bbq and drinking etc and that was fun. We went out in the evening and participated in that. The crowds were massive so it might be for everyone. I was basically the only foreigner there which was kind of cool.

I gave myself quite a start yesterday by managing to convince myself that i had missed my date for my passport stamp but its not due for a stamp until next month. Whew! Time sure flies fast around here. I have been here almost 8 months this time and it seems like only 4  months even with all thats happened.

We went to a restaurant and a motorbike hit my car. It scratched the back bumper a bit. A police officer ran over and spoke to the cyclist to ask if he “wanted to make a problem” or not. Apparently because the car is “big” and the motorbike is “small” the cyclist could of taken me to court for medical costs irregardless of whose fault it was… go figure. Later the cop said that the cyclist has “good heart” because he didn’t want to make me pay any money and admitted that he did wrong. I just escaped a huge fine and propably some type of support payment! Hey, thats life in a corrupt third world for you. You pays your money and you takes your chances so they say. If the car was parked and someone bumped into it i would be actually have been at fault! In phuket or bangkok/pattaya i would automatically be at fault just for the fact that i am a foreigner. Up here in the north things are a little less corrupt (on the surface) but definately no less insane. Sometimes i think i will never figure things out here.

Its really really hot here these days. 38 degrees C most of the time with the usual blasting sunshine. April is the hottest month in Thailand. It will continue like this for a couple of months and then the rain will begin.

Anyway, thats all for now. Life is good. We are all doing fine. Keep in touch with me. Hopefully sometime soon i can find some time to send some individual emails.

Bye for now,
Leo

This post is from an email i sent in Feb 2008. Enjoy!

Hows it goin? Pretty good here.

Well i have just returned from the Immigration Dept in Bangkok and got my 1 year extension! Yeah! Also, i don’t have to go to the immigration dept every 3 months for the stamp anymore either. Now i just copy the pages in my passport and send it to them every 3 months and they just send me a page to insert into my passport and thats it. I just keep this up for 3 years and i will have my residency in Thailand.

Of course before the immigration trip i made it down to pattaya to meet my Tech Diving Instructor and continue with my Nitrox Diving! The instructor is a hardass who will push me to the point where i am so good i won’t die on a tech dive (i hope) and thats just what i need really. An ex US Navy diver who has turned instructor and works for free because he is just so passionate about it. “If i say you will have an ascent rate of 10 metres a minute then you will do it and no faster”! The course is going to cost me about $2K and i will need about $4K in gear. I will rent the gear in the meantime but i need two computers (guage mode), 2 masks, 2 regs, a watch, two knives etc etc. All in all when i strap on those 4 tanks i will have an extra 125 kilos of weight on me. Can’t wait to get on with it but i still need 4 more Nitrox dives in order to meet the prerequisites (plus a doctors note and the cash of course). I am almost ready to begin booking that dive vacation to the Solomon Islands-Iron Bottom Sound (Guadalcanal). Ever heard of it?

The dive shop that i usually dive with were not going to the deep wreck on the Saturday so i went with another shop. Long story short it was a mistake. I basically wound up with a divemaster who has less dives than i do and actually less experience on the wreck (htms kut)! I guess now i can say i am an experienced wreck diver. Also, the shop were 45 mins late picking me up and had to go get the nitrox tank as they had forgotten it at the shop. Fortunately i insisted on setting up my gear right away and noticed it. Hey! Wheres my nitrox tank!!! Oh yeah…. hang on Leo… And by the way, no penetration diving leo… What?!!! Like hell! I got on the wreck and essentially led the dive. The poor divemaster was shitting himself as i flew down the line to the wreck and went in a side door and down some stairs. He eventually tugged on my fin to say “no further” so i said ok and headed for the light zone. I felt like i was diving solo and it was a good feeling. The good news is that we were the only two divers on the boat that day and the rest were snorkelers. It was kind of spooky but really exciting on the wreck.

Next dive was a reef dive which was actually ok (for the gulf of thailand). We saw a huge turtle and that was really cool. He was just sitting there on a rock looking around and we got pretty close but didn’t disturb him.

Next day i was with my usual shop (mermaid diving) and we went to the htms Kram wreck. Of course i got my nitrox/penetration dive in with that group. Good day out.

Thats about it really. After the diving i headed to bkk for the immigration thing and it worked out great (like i said). I received my contract extension from work for another six months so thats great too. There are no signs that i will be home anytime soon, if ever!

The wife and kids are doing great. Hey, i think i am “home” already!

Anyway, i hope you are all staying warm these days. The weather in Thailand is excellent now if anyone wants to escape the winter and come visit.

Bye for now,
Leo